Temporarily the Opposite Sex

Image via Wikipedia

"If you could become the opposite sex
for six weeks how do you think you
would feel and what would you do?"
(contest entry)


If I could become the opposite sex for six weeks I would undoubtedly have to experience a menstrual period. Too bad.

I would experience the menstrual period and I'm sure bitch more than any man in history. It might last longer than normal because I wouldn't be able to shake it off like a woman can. Speaking of shaking it off, after you're finished going you-know-what, what do you do? Dab, I guess.

(I guess I will find out.)

I would try flirting even though I'm not attracted to men. I'd learn the ropes, so to speak, from a different angle. Bottom line: I'd be able to seduce women better.

I'm afraid I would stare at myself in the mirror too long if I were a female, especially if I were naked, so I'd have to shower with clothes on as not to distract myself.

I would take advantage of my new "female-ness" and clean my apartment from top to bottom. Then, reverting back later, I would be so proud of myself.

I would save money by finding dates who paid for dinner and didn't expect anything in return. Should someone try to take advantage of me, I would casually fart, which is part of my makeup. Then I'd be on my merry way.

I would seek out a cat in order to see what the attraction is.

I would visit a garage to see how I'd get ripped off.

I would drink a beer, then wash the glass.

I would spend $30 more on a haircut than I usually do in twice the amount of time.

The TV's remote battery would last longer.

I would try walking in high heels then put my male skills to use and saw them off.

I want to be the world's first Chauvinist Bitch.

Webcam Nightmares

Image via Wikipedia

The website was called "Webcam Nightmares," and it only captured people during crises.

The first cam captured a cigarette smoker at home who was out of smokes and too drunk to drive to the nearest convenience store. It was 2 am, so he couldn't call his friends, either. Watching his dilemma was heartrendering.

The second was a stoner who finished off five bowls and was too broke to go shopping for food. He brought his camera into the kitchen and showed us his empty pantries. It was heartbreaking. He opened the fridge and inside was only a small bottle of seltzer water. That's when I had to go to a different cam.

On this particular cam we got to see a person after his monitor died, yet he was still broadcasting, but couldn't see anything except a dark screen. He kept staring into the monitor with a worried look. It was 3 am. By 5 am he was staring directly into the webcam.

Finally, one cam had a girl stripping, but she had such a bad connection, it took 30 minutes for each article of clothing to peel off. Nobody has that kind of patience.

Stoner Cam

Image via Wikipedia

She was the one who suggested we "cam" -- or go on webcam.

I agreed, and saw her for the first time, and how she smoked. It was beautiful, her technique. She would sit tantalizing close to the camera and take in gobs of smoke, crossing her eyes sexily in the process as she looked down the barrel, cheeks bulged, wiping her chin afterward. We had to meet.

She had me prove by holding my baggie up to the camera that I didn't have too many seeds and stems in my life, and we arranged for her to take the next train to my place.

I tidied up the place as best I could by throwing out my refrigerator and buying a new one. I have a pet cockatiel that I let hop around on the floor and he eats all my stray seeds. He calls me "Jason," which isn't my name.

I bought an expensive butane bottle and put a big red bow on it. For her, I bought a hemp candle.

I greeted her at the door in my robe and my favorite pipe in my mouth. It's the one with the little red dragons on it.

She took my pipe and held it briefly in her lips. Then she reinserted it in my mouth and that way we exchanged saliva. It's the new kiss.

We reminisced about being on cam together and I told her I fell in love with her the moment she unabashedly ate a watermelon in front of me. It was in the middle of a munchies tour-de-force that also saw her eat a large bowl of marshmallows.

"I switched from eating grapes to eating marshmallows, overnight," I told her.

But she wasn't listening. She was smiling coyly and holding her cam in her hand.

"Remember this?" she said.

"Yes," I said. "Your cam."

"I brought it along. Where's yours?"

I pointed to my computer desk.

She walked over and placed her cam gently next to mine. They seemed to stare at each other.

"They finally meet," I uttered.