Webcam Nightmares

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The website was called "Webcam Nightmares," and it only captured people during crises.

The first cam captured a cigarette smoker at home who was out of smokes and too drunk to drive to the nearest convenience store. It was 2 am, so he couldn't call his friends, either. Watching his dilemma was heartrendering.

The second was a stoner who finished off five bowls and was too broke to go shopping for food. He brought his camera into the kitchen and showed us his empty pantries. It was heartbreaking. He opened the fridge and inside was only a small bottle of seltzer water. That's when I had to go to a different cam.

On this particular cam we got to see a person after his monitor died, yet he was still broadcasting, but couldn't see anything except a dark screen. He kept staring into the monitor with a worried look. It was 3 am. By 5 am he was staring directly into the webcam.

Finally, one cam had a girl stripping, but she had such a bad connection, it took 30 minutes for each article of clothing to peel off. Nobody has that kind of patience.

Evil Stoner Bastard

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There is a kid I knew in high school, I'll call him Evil Stoner Bastard.

He had an evil plan to do a live broadcast of the sun via webcam but had to wait until technology improved so that the pixels were sharp enough so that people's eyes would burn.

In the meantime, he came up with the idea of a 'secret wearable webcam,' wherein a person could move around in public with a webcam broadcasting live shots of his/her adventures. His first broadcast was titled "Paranoia" and it featured him going out to dinner live with his parents, stoned.

One day the snowman on Old Man Johnson's front lawn ended up with a joint in its mouth. Evil Stoner Bastard was seen later in town smoking from a corncob pipe. It became part of his "look."

On April 20th, Evil Stoner Bastard was in his laboratory bedroom, surrounded by bottles of bong water, some of which were percolating, when his microwave blew up, and the cook time left on the clock was 16:20, and Evil Stoner Bastard has a scar that he likes to show to people to this day, on his ass, and he has applied for disability because of it 42 times, and the government has to keep examining his ass and denying his claim.

Stoner Cam

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She was the one who suggested we "cam" -- or go on webcam.

I agreed, and saw her for the first time, and how she smoked. It was beautiful, her technique. She would sit tantalizing close to the camera and take in gobs of smoke, crossing her eyes sexily in the process as she looked down the barrel, cheeks bulged, wiping her chin afterward. We had to meet.

She had me prove by holding my baggie up to the camera that I didn't have too many seeds and stems in my life, and we arranged for her to take the next train to my place.

I tidied up the place as best I could by throwing out my refrigerator and buying a new one. I have a pet cockatiel that I let hop around on the floor and he eats all my stray seeds. He calls me "Jason," which isn't my name.

I bought an expensive butane bottle and put a big red bow on it. For her, I bought a hemp candle.

I greeted her at the door in my robe and my favorite pipe in my mouth. It's the one with the little red dragons on it.

She took my pipe and held it briefly in her lips. Then she reinserted it in my mouth and that way we exchanged saliva. It's the new kiss.

We reminisced about being on cam together and I told her I fell in love with her the moment she unabashedly ate a watermelon in front of me. It was in the middle of a munchies tour-de-force that also saw her eat a large bowl of marshmallows.

"I switched from eating grapes to eating marshmallows, overnight," I told her.

But she wasn't listening. She was smiling coyly and holding her cam in her hand.

"Remember this?" she said.

"Yes," I said. "Your cam."

"I brought it along. Where's yours?"

I pointed to my computer desk.

She walked over and placed her cam gently next to mine. They seemed to stare at each other.

"They finally meet," I uttered.