Plastic fork

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I served her a plate of my piping hot spaghetti, but I served it with a plastic fork (I ran out of clean forks). She twirled the spaghetti around and put it in her mouth. Then she screamed: "Fak melling!"

Fak melling?

Fork melting!

I slapped my hand on her back as she tried to get the fork from her mouth. It had melded to her tongue! Here I was, hitting her back like she had food stuck in her throat. Wrong technique.

I was about to force her to guzzle a glass of ice water when she was able to pry the fork out. I handed her a glass of wine, into which she stuck her tongue.

"Ahhhh, muth betteh."

I grabbed a real fork from the sink and washed it. Then I handed it to her.

"Thank you, neth time dry it."

Her tongue was improving.

Evil Stoner Bastard

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There is a kid I knew in high school, I'll call him Evil Stoner Bastard.

He had an evil plan to do a live broadcast of the sun via webcam but had to wait until technology improved so that the pixels were sharp enough so that people's eyes would burn.

In the meantime, he came up with the idea of a 'secret wearable webcam,' wherein a person could move around in public with a webcam broadcasting live shots of his/her adventures. His first broadcast was titled "Paranoia" and it featured him going out to dinner live with his parents, stoned.

One day the snowman on Old Man Johnson's front lawn ended up with a joint in its mouth. Evil Stoner Bastard was seen later in town smoking from a corncob pipe. It became part of his "look."

On April 20th, Evil Stoner Bastard was in his laboratory bedroom, surrounded by bottles of bong water, some of which were percolating, when his microwave blew up, and the cook time left on the clock was 16:20, and Evil Stoner Bastard has a scar that he likes to show to people to this day, on his ass, and he has applied for disability because of it 42 times, and the government has to keep examining his ass and denying his claim.