My Trip to Hell

Hell found me. Or should I say, I found hell.

I found hell because I wanted to go there--desperately.

TRIP TO HELL

I started my trip to hell by saying God's name in vain. Then I said Jesus's name in vain. To cover my bets I also said Allah's name in vain, Vishnu's name in vain, Buddha's name in vain, Zeus's name in vain, and Sun Myung Moon's name in vain.

Then I stole a pack of cigarettes, and smoked them, and littered them. I know littering is not a Commandment but it's illegal in most cities. To ensure my going to hell, I turned a teenager on to cigarettes. Then I tried quitting myself, which is an abbreviated form of hell.

I became a mortgage broker and specialized in loans with variable interest rates. There's a special place in hell for me.

I started playing Christian music backwards.

I got a special audience with the Pope and did nothing but fib to him.

Right before falling asleep I withheld prayer, but found time to masturbate.

I read "The Origins of Species." Twice.

I became a telemarketer.

ARRIVAL IN HELL

Who greeted me in hell? The creators of South Park, mosquitoes, Hitler, Hitler's chaplain, the inventor of the restroom hand dryer, a homeless guy named Steve, and a surprising number of televangelists. Oh, and Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, for selling too many Satanic Bibles and Korans.

Hell is exactly how you'd expect it: hot. With too much humidity.

ESCAPE FROM HELL

After fifty thousand eternities I decided I had enough of hell. It was time to escape.

Leading the way out was Bon Scott, immortal singer of AC/DC, who later wrote a song about the experience, called "Highway Out of Hell." He suggested we take the quick route, the "Stairway to Heaven" road. I wasn't sure if there was still time to change the road we were on, but he assured me there was, so we headed north, all the while, the first verse of John Lennon's "Imagine" kept going through my mind (!). OJ Simpson tried to tag along but we made him go back. We passed Noel Gallagher on the way but he was heading south.

Finally, there was light up ahead -- soothing light, diffused light, not burning, raw light. Roy Orbison met us at the gate. I asked for Peter, and he said he hoped I didn't mean Frampton. I assured him it was Gabriel I was after.

We ate angelic sponge cake and apple sauce and drank champagne and no one burped. Heaven did away with all burping.

Peter Gabriel gave us a tour of The Place. It was BIG.

Gabriel said God loved the name of his original band, Genesis, and I asked him what his current band's name was, and he told me Genesis II.

I asked him who he was most surprised to see in Heaven and he said Yoko Ono. He said Paul McCartney was, as it turns out, the real reason for the Beatles break-up, and for that he's in hell.

Interview with 3 dead people

Interview with John Wayne

PIGFOOT: Do you prefer being called The Duke, or John?

John Wayne: Neither. Marion Morrison is my real name, so I like being called Marion.

PF: Well, that is a surprise. Give me another.

JW: I was going to be Captain Quint in "Jaws," but I wanted to strangle Jaws at the end, instead of that weird ending. So, there you go.

PF: That is a surprise. I am thinking you would have gotten an Academy Award for strangling Jaws.

JW: Yeah. Probably. I'm not real comfortable playing second fiddle to an animal. That's probably why I never did any Disney movies. I told (Steven) Spielberg he needed to give the shark some dialog, and I would re-consider, because I'd missed out on a lot of Disney money. But he never got back to me.

PF: Did you ever think of yourself as another Spielberg movie icon, Indiana Jones, from "Raiders of the Lost Ark?"

JW: By 1981, when the movie was made, I was already dead, so no, I didn't.

PF: John Ford directed most of your classic westerns. Did he ever get to see you naked?

JW: Yes. Once. He walked into my trailer when he was considering me for his first "butt scene," from "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon," but he said my ass didn't live up to my image, whatever that means. Then he walked out, and never brought it up again.
As it turns out, in my long career, I never did a butt scene, but I certainly kicked a lot of it.

PF: What do you think about movie nudity in general?

JW: A lot of the actresses I worked with I wouldn't have minded seeing nude, but that wasn't allowed back then, so I had no choice but to sleep with them.

PF: One western you should have done was with Clint Eastwood. That would have been epic.

JW: We were almost going to do a movie together, a comedy about two nuns--us--but it was too similar to Clint's other nun comedy, "Two Mules for Sister Sara."

PF: Do you have any last words for us?

JW: I never said 'pilgrim.'

Interview with John Lennon

PF: Are you the Walrus?

JL: Yes, I am.

PF: Do you have whiskers?

JL: Not any more. Circa 1969-1975 were my whisker years. I have honorary whiskers now, as the Walrus.

PF: Were you attracted to whiskers?

JL: I was attracted to the Marahishi who had whiskers, and to George Harrison, who had enormous whiskers, and to Yoko, who had a lip moustache, but no whiskers. So I'm attracted to all kinds.

PF: Did you ever listen to any Rolling Stones music, or was there too much rivalry?

JL: Oh sure, they were great. I mean, I had all their albums and everything. By 1980, though, I made a conscious decision to stop listening to them, as did everyone else.

PF: Would there have been a Beatles reunion?

JL: Only if we could have had the 'Fifth Beatle,' Yoko, participate, instead of being smuggled in like always. As you can tell from her numerous solo albums she would have been a great Beatle.

PF: How so?

JL: Her falsetto was stunning, much higher than Paul's.

PF: It's nice that love persists between you two.

JL: Persists, resists, insists. It's quite the relationship.

PF: Do you have any last words?

JL: Free Mark Chapman, whoever he is, but never free Mark David Chapman. Ha!
Also, tell Paul and Ringo that Elvis wants to join us as soon as we're all dead.

Interview with Abraham Lincoln

PF: What were your last words exactly?

AL: I'm dying; I'll be on a penny soon.

PF: Do you ever get jealous that George is on the coin that gets flipped all the time?

AL: Yes, because if they don't have a quarter, people will still flip a Jefferson or Roosevelt before me. I got my revenge when they put me on the five-dollar bill. Now it takes 5 Georges to buy me.

PF: But it takes 25 of you (on the penny) to purchase one George.

AL: Please don't talk about the penny anymore, or George. I want to talk about the Five.

PF: Okay. There's a movement underway to get rid of the penny. What do you think that says about your image at large?

AL: I think it's only because I have a beard. Too costly. Too hard to etch.

PF: Do you appreciate that we've combined your birthday with what's-his-name's, into President Day?

AL: Bankers are upset because they used to get an extra day off, but I don't really mind, because I always hated the bankers.
Plus, February is a good month to have a holiday in, so I'm fortunate I was born then.

PF: Do you have any last words?

AL: Don't say, "Four Score and Seven Years Ago..." -- quote the whole damn thing. It took me all night to write that.
Also, the right side won. Don't be mad 150 years later. Oh, and thanks for naming so many cities after me. I was hoping for a state eventually, but cities are nice.
And the cars, thanks for naming those after me too. George never got any cars named after him. [hearty laugh]