Dog-like

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

I'm a dog in so many ways -- like eating really fast, and hating to shave. Also, I have sex on the brain constantly. I shed too if you look at my shower drain, and my eyes are always red in photographs.

I wouldn't mind eating canned dog food if there is no horse meat in it, because it seems so unbelievably delicious when my dog chows it down. My penis is bigger than my dog's, so I wouldn't trade that. But his hearing ability I wouldn't mind having. I would like to hear what he hears, especially when I have headphones on. I bet music would sound great. Dogs can only see in black and white. Does that mean they can only hear in mono? That would suck. My poor doggie, I want to hug him for not having stereo.

He started out with brown hair, and gradually took on gray hair, so we share that in common. I've used "Just For Men" hair dye on myself and I have also used it on him, and I can testify that he looks years younger. He has most of his hair, too, so he gets more compliments.

He doesn't know algebra and neither do I. I don't kick when a certain area is scratched, I punch. I have responded to a whistle before, so that makes me "obedient." I tend to shake hands whenever someone hands me a paw. I can stand on two legs for hours on end and he can't, but I think he is better balanced.

I am like him, and unlike him, in so many ways, but he has a better singing voice.

Hair Club (For Men)

Image by JonJon2k8 via Flickr

His phone was on vibrate. It spun around on his desk when it rang, and if it pointed at him when it was done, he answered.

"Hello," he answered (it landed on him).

"Mr. Greckoslovich?"

"No. Sorry, you must have the wrong number."

"Mr. Jones?"

"Yes?"

"That's what I meant to say, sorry. I'm with the Hair Club for Men."

"I have a full head of hair, thank you, and this is my cellphone you called. Bye."

"--wait! Mr. Jones?"

"What?"

"One of our members found one of your hairs on his suit last week, and figured he must have encountered you in an elevator or something, and that's how we identified you."

"From my follicle?"

"Yes. We have a lab that can narrow a person's hair down to his race, gender, sexual preference--even his address. We tracked you down to Elm Street based on the cobalt mine near where you live. You might want to let your doctor know that you have trace amounts of nickel and chromium in your system. The real reason I'm calling is because you're losing your hair, albeit slowly. Therefore, our president would like to make you a special offer of 30% off your first treatment, followed by a 25% discount on your second, followed by a 15%..."

"Whoa, whoa,"

"Yes?"

"Just last week I was complimented on my hair by someone."

"We understand. Over time, though, you'll notice the compliments getting less and less. That's why we're here to help."

"How much does it cost?"

"We base it on the popularity of the person when he receives his hair. Right now, you're popular, so it won't cost you as much as a loser who gets a 1500% boost in popularity. It will cost you more, though, the longer you let it go."

"I understand."

"So, we'll schedule you for an appointment next Thursday at 2:45 pm. Bring a sample from your shower drain and also one from your pillow."

"Will do."

"It was nice talking to you, Mr. Jones -- and remember, long hair is coming back for men, so be sure to tell all your friends."