Thursday, September 24, 2009

My Trip to Hell

Cover of "McCartney II"

Hell found me. Or should I say, I found hell.

I found hell because I wanted to go there--desperately.


I started my trip to hell by saying God's name in vain. Then I said Jesus's name in vain. To cover my bets I also said Allah's name in vain, Vishnu's name in vain, Buddha's name in vain, Zeus's name in vain, and Sun Myung Moon's name in vain.

Then I stole a pack of cigarettes, and smoked them, and littered them. I know littering is not a Commandment but it's illegal in most cities. To ensure my going to hell, I turned a teenager on to cigarettes. Then I tried quitting myself, which is an abbreviated form of hell.

I became a mortgage broker and specialized in loans with variable interest rates. There's a special place in hell for me.

I started playing Christian music backwards.

I got a special audience with the Pope and did nothing but fib to him.

Right before falling asleep I withheld prayer, but found time to masturbate.

I read "The Origins of Species." Twice.

I became a telemarketer.


Who greeted me in hell? The creators of South Park, mosquitoes, Hitler, Hitler's chaplain, the inventor of the restroom hand dryer, a homeless guy named Steve, and a surprising number of televangelists. Oh, and Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, for selling too many Satanic Bibles and Korans.

Hell is exactly how you'd expect it: hot. With too much humidity.


After fifty thousand eternities I decided I had enough of hell. It was time to escape.

Leading the way out was Bon Scott, immortal singer of AC/DC, who later wrote a song about the experience, called "Highway Out of Hell." He suggested we take the quick route, the "Stairway to Heaven" road. I wasn't sure if there was still time to change the road we were on, but he assured me there was, so we headed north, all the while, the first verse of John Lennon's "Imagine" kept going through my mind (!). OJ Simpson tried to tag along but we made him go back. We passed Noel Gallagher on the way but he was heading south.

Finally, there was light up ahead -- soothing light, diffused light, not burning, raw light. Roy Orbison met us at the gate. I asked for Peter, and he said he hoped I didn't mean Frampton. I assured him it was Gabriel I was after.

We ate angelic sponge cake and apple sauce and drank champagne and no one burped. Heaven did away with all burping.

Peter Gabriel gave us a tour of The Place. It was BIG.

Gabriel said God loved the name of his original band, Genesis, and I asked him what his current band's name was, and he told me Genesis II.

I asked him who he was most surprised to see in Heaven and he said Yoko Ono. He said Paul McCartney was, as it turns out, the real reason for the Beatles break-up, and for that he's in hell.
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