Vatican officials have confirmed a man in East Lansing, Michigan crapped out his soul while straining too hard on a commode yesterday. Two priests and a plumber were brought in by the local diocese, but the whereabouts of the soul still is a mystery.
Reportedly, after holy water was added to the toilet in an attempt to "cleanse the plumbing," persistent stains in the porcelain disappeared overnight, which the priests call a "miracle." Hours later, the plumber was taken to a local hospital for evaluation after complaining of being hungry subsequent to the ordeal, which those in attendance call "crazy."
Meanwhile, the victim, a 56-year-old man, was diagnosed as being "1,000,000% Caucasian" upon losing his soul. He was ordered to go on a strict diet and to eat nothing but country fried okra, butter beans with hambones, tongue espagnole, chitterlings, and Red Velvet Cake. And plenty of laxatives.
He is expected to recover completely if he follows this diet and listens to "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green, "Sincerely" by The Moonglows, and "Drown In My Own Tears" by Ray Charles over and over again.