Travails of the Invisible Man

Image by [auro] via Flickr

As the Invisible Man, I'm often going places not having to get dressed first. I like not having clothes -- either on me or in the closet. You could say I have an invisible closet too. The only downfall is I'm a hippie, go figure, and my hair is down to my waist, and it's very beautiful, and I like to take care of it, but you cannot see it. So why bother? As a matter of fact, I can't see it either. So really why bother? Thank God for touch. I can at least touch it. I can also touch myself in public, but I don't. It's nice having that luxury, though.

I don't have a lot of friends, because for some reason they need the assurance that I'm actually there. Since I refuse to wear clothes, they say it's like having a ghost around--a naked ghost--even though I'm a fantastic listener. I don't moan, or say "boo," I just listen. I'm the perfect cell phone friend as well, but I hate using them, because it confuses people when I'm using them in public ... like everyone else.

Being invisible does have an advantage: I can see what wind looks like. (Farts too.)

I can also stalk movie stars, but that gets old, so I decided to stalk bankers; that way I can be a superhero. I just eavesdrop on their shenanigans and file reports. I've already saved this country twenty times yet Batman gets all the cred. I'm the 'invisible hero,' the one that stays in the shadows, except I stand in direct sunlight. I'm thinking of a gimmick, though. Maybe a corncob pipe, but that sounds a little too Sherlocky Holmes. Maybe an obnoxious cologne. You'd be minding your own dirty business, and suddenly this foul odor would envelop you. Your eyes would water, and you would cough. By the time you were arraigned in court the next day it would look like you were suffering a cold. That should be my gimmick.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo, too: a circle around my heart. That way, if I ever need open heart surgery, the doctors can find it.

My next-door neighbor has an invisible fence that keeps his dogs in. He doesn't realize I made a secret hole in it so his dogs can visit my yard. Sometimes for a laugh I'll go up to his front door and his dogs will bark at me and of course he'll answer the door and look around and then yell at his dogs. I do it all the time to the neighborhood dogs as a practical joke, but some of them get their feelings hurt if their owner is particularly upset.

I haven't painted my house in years and despite numerous visits by code enforcement, I haven't gotten a fine. I just assure them it's painted.

Next week I'm getting rid of my toothbrush to see if I can finally become visible by having the world's stinkiest breath.