Hi, I'm mayonnaise, a condiment you're not supposed to leave out very long, but I don't care. Refrigerators cramp my style.
I just spent four months next to a jar of butter pickles and nobody noticed. Now, I'm outside and hanging with a real power couple, the salt and pepper shakers, who couldn't be more upright. I'm in great company here, even though my expiration date is coming up very soon, and I try not to think, or say, too much about it (I need to keep my lid on). But it's coming up, and I need to prepare. Salt already offered to dump a lot of himself in me, to preserve me, but I declined. I would rather die than be that salty. Pepper offered to help too, but reneged when I said I preferred paprika.
Truthfully, what I need now is a freezer. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I would miss all my friends, of course, but you can't have everything. I figure I'd get used to staring at ice cubes after awhile. I would even get to see a human face maybe once a night (for two seconds) and I'm okay with that. In my refrigerator days I saw a human roughly once an hour, and took it for granted. The freezer is like a no-man's land compared to the refrigerator.
My pal Mustard has it made because he can live forever. What dimwit made Mustard last a trillion times longer than Mayonnaise?
I have to say adios now because the temperature is starting to rise and I'm afraid I'm starting to spoil. I guess the rumors are true.
Adios, from the middle of the table, where I got to hang out for awhile.